Killing Yourself Slowly And Calling It Coping
by Dustfingers-Angel
Summary: (Featuring my OC) John moved out and Charlie was left alone, so she finds herself ways to cope, none of which are exactly healthy. Sebastian Moran fic - meaning that if and when we actually get Moran on the show it'll need editing. M rated for triggering topics; self harm, alcoholism, assault, murder. Part of my Charlie James series. Disclaimer; I don't own Sherlock
1. Chapter 1

I walked into the pub for the first time in years, more than enough money in my pocket, a bandage wrapped round my wrist, partially hidden beneath my jacket sleeve and all thoughts of sobriety long gone. I sat down in one of the few empty bar stools and pushed my hair back from my face. Mycroft was in a parliamentary meeting with a select group of VIPs, that I shouldn't technically know about; I could have been out of there before he was even finished if I wanted.

There was an empty seat to my left, then a young couple more intent on licking each other's tonsils than getting a drink. Both just out of uni with money to spare, it's alright for some. To my right, a young man, a few years older than myself. Ex-military, still fit though, well paid in comparison to the barmaid.  
Poor girl must have been just out of school, trying to put herself through university on monthly pay and tips; it's not enough. I'd tip her. She came over with a tired smile, "Hi there, what can I get for you?"

"A pint, thanks" I reached into my pocket to pay, but a deep voice stopped me.

"I'll get that" said the man on my right, handing over money for me. The barmaid smiled and went to get my drink.

"Thanks" I said, still surprised.

"Not a problem"

I grinned at his charm, "So, is this how you treat all the girls, or am I a one off?"

"You look like you could use a good turn" he voice was soft, rumbling.

"Doesn't answer the question" I said with a smirk, "You got a name, or will I refer to you as _the guy from the bar_?"

A smile broke across his face, "Sebastian"

I nodded, "Charlotte. Do you mind me calling you Seb?"

"Do you mind me calling you Charlie?" he replied with a charming laugh.

"Not at all" the barmaid sat down my drink, "Thanks" I slid a tenner across the counter. She glanced at Sebastian, confused, "No," I said quietly, "that's for you"

She blushed, pocketing the note before saying a quiet "Thank you" and going to serve another customer. Seb tilted his head as he watched her walk away, looking back at me he asked, "Why did you do that?" His tone was curious, interested instead of judgemental.

"She seemed like she could use a good turn"

He smiled widely, "I'll tell you something, I think you're the only woman I've ever met who'd willingly give away money when someone else was spending their money on her"

"Maybe I understand what it's like to struggle"

"I don't doubt it." He studied me for a moment "You know, tragedy can take two routes in a person, bitterness or empathy - it's clear which route you took."

I smiled against the rim of the glass, taking a large mouthful, "I'd say I switched routes about half way along."

"Or maybe you were suffering for longer than you first though"

I looked at him, looked him up and down before saying, "You sound like you know what you're taking about, care to share, soldier?"

He blinked in confusion, "How did you?"

"You're still wearing your dog-tags, I can see them beneath your top"

He glanced down at the faint outline of his military ID beneath his thin grey top. "Well observed"

I smiled, looking down at my glass, "Occupational habit"

"What, are you a psychologist or something, seems you've got the brains for it"

I let out a quiet laugh, "A consultant, with the police. What about you? Got any work since you came back?"

"Here and there, just contracts nothing fixed"

I nodded, "Sucks doesn't it"

"Oh yeah, but occasionally I'll have enough money to go to a bar and find someone interesting to talk to."

"Yeah, well I hope you find someone soon, it's getting late" I said jokingly, looking around.

"Don't be like that" he said softly, turning in his stool and leaning on the bar, "every sad beautiful woman has a story to tell"

I couldn't help but smile, "So does every lonely soldier"

"True, but I'm sure you're more interesting"

"Complicated maybe, interesting - _well_, I don't have high hopes"

"Maybe you should tell me and I'll decide"

"Only if I get your story in return"

He considered it for a moment then nodded his head, "Fair enough, Charlotte"

"I prefer Charlie" I said quietly.

"Okay then, Charlie it is. All you have to do is say"

"Thanks Seb"

Bowing his head slightly, with an honest smile, he said, "I prefer Sebastian"

"Okay then Sebastian"

He grinned and gently tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, his fingers gently trailed across my cheek, "Do you want to get out of here? My flat's not that far away, I'm sure I've got a few bottles kicking around, or coffee?"

My heart must have skipped a beat, I hesitated, by this point normally I would have made my excuses and left but, he wasn't a _bad_ guy, he was pleasant and intelligent, a welcome distraction, but _I_ was a mess, "Em, well, there's someone expecting me to be home tomorrow morning, I…"

"I'm sorry, never mind-"

"No." I paused, took a breath and made a decision "No, it's fine - I just need to be home for 11am"

A smile spread across his face, "Okay, I'll make sure you're back in time."

SSSSSSSSSSSSSS

We did go back to Sebastian's flat, had coffee, put the tv on. And I was excited, and nervous. Then we had a glass of wine, I was nowhere near drunk, just relaxed, getting comfortable. At some point I shifted to lean against his side, letting him play with my hair as he told me how beautiful I was - and I laughed, I found it funny. I'm not beautiful, especially less so then.

He leant in to kiss me and I let him, his hands roaming my body. I opened myself to him, tangled my fingers in his hair as he kissed and touched and teased me. Sebastian lifted me and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me to his bed where he all but threw me down. Clothes landed on the floor as more kisses were exchanged than could be counted.

...

We lay side by side, panting for breath. I curled up onto my side and fixed the bandage on my wrist, making the cuts sting again. Soon enough a warm body was pressed against my back, strong arms enveloping me. Sebastian's breath was on my shoulder as I relaxed, then quickly fell asleep.

Gentle fingers running through my hair woke me. My eyes slowly opened, a little irritated from leaving my contacts in all night. "Morning Charlie"

Even in the first moments of waking, his voice sent pleasant shivers down my spine, "Good morning Sebastian"

"I though I'd be better to wake you now so you've got time for a shower. Don't know if you want to shower here or at home, but you've got plenty of time either way"

I smiled, "Thanks, but I'll just head home - just in case they're early"

"Okay, gorgeous" I grinned as I started pulling clothes back on. I was heading out of the room when he said, "see you later?"

"You busy same time next week?"

"Maybe, but I'll be seeing you anyway"

"Easy tiger - I'll buy next time." I teased, walking out the door.

"No you won't!" He called after me.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

We continued like this for weeks. Tuesday night at the pub, a few drinks I wasn't allowed to pay for before going to his flat, getting up early enough to shower at home before the unwelcome visit from Mycroft.

Another week, another Tuesday back at Sebastian's flat. I was lying on my back along the sofa, Sebastian kneeling over me. He kissed me again and again, moving to my jaw and down my neck where he paused a moment. I knew what he was about to do, "No" I breathed, "no, he'll see"

He looked up at me, lust filling his eyes, "You can cover it up" he suggested with a sweet tone.

My fingers found his hair, "He'll _know_ I'm covering it up, he's clever like that. Please, it won't work"

Sebastian relented slightly, "Okay then, I guess I'm going to have to mark you somewhere else, amn't I?"

I bit down on my bottom lip. He moved to kiss me again, capturing my lips while he undid my belt and unfastened my jeans. Slowly he pulled them down over the bandage around my thigh, down to my knees. My breathing hitched as he knelt back to sit on his feet and pull my jeans off completely. He pulled my legs up, so my knees bent over his shoulders. He latched on to my uncut thigh, sucking and nipping and biting a deep red and purple mark there.

Unhooking my legs from his shoulders, he all but ordered me, "Kneel up" So I did.

Sebastian took a hold of the bottom of my top, quickly pulling it over my head and tossing it aside. He knelt low, his hands holding me still at the top of my thighs. He kissed along my flat stomach before nipping at spot just above my hip bone. He bit and sucked until there was another dark mark, standing out against my pale skin. Moving to the other side he marked me again slightly further up.

It wasn't long before I had two marks on my thigh along with seven above my hips. "Now" Sebastian growled with a smirk, "if he sees any of these I'm going to be really, _really_ jealous."

I sucked in another short breath, "He won't, _he_ definitely won't"

"Good girl" his lips collided with mine. Gently pushing me onto my back, he grinned as he pulled my pants off. My head fell back against the arm of the sofa, a smile growing across my face.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Weeks went past and to some extent I was happy. Tuesday night were my distraction, the only thing to look forward to in a week.

I walked inside the pub and looked around in confusion. Sebastian was always here before me, always waiting for me, having ordered our drinks already. But he wasn't here.

I sat down and waited. Maybe he was running late, stuck in traffic or having to work late. I didn't know; I didn't actually know much about him at all. I waited, ignoring the looks that were occasionally thrown my way. A few guys chatted, flirted with me, but I turned them away. We weren't together, but, well, we had a standing agreement, an arrangement we'd stuck to for months now.

10 o'clock came and went. I asked the barmaid if she'd seen him, but she shook her head and apologised, saying he hadn't been in. 11 o'clock came, 12, 1.  
Quarter to two. I'd had six pints by now and he wasn't here. Was he sick? Or had he found a better use of his time? I'd never thought about it until then, but I didn't have his phone number - Hell, I didn't know his surname, his birthday, anything about his family, what he actually worked as… What had I done?

Ten past two I stumbled out the bar alone, angry at myself and the world.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I could never explain why, but I went back the next week. Sat, drank, waited for him. Sebastian didn't come that week, or the next, or the next.

I was fairly drunk when I left the pub that week, upset and angry and full of hatred. I turned the corner and was met by darkly clothed man. He said something but I couldn't hear him, I stepped to avoid him but he caught my arm. "Don't be rude, I was talking to you bitch."

I tried to pull away but he held stronger. I yelled at him but it was useless. He dragged me down an alley, kicking and screaming, because if this was actually happening everyone was going to know about it. He hit me hard over my head, knocking me to the ground. I skint my hands and knees, I'd wore a skirt, that was so not worth it. I scrambled to my feet, shaking, gasping for breath.

"Leave me alone" I warned. But he was unrelenting.

He came at me, I had to defend myself. I kicked him in the groin, doubling him over. I tried to run but he managed to grab my ankle. So I kicked at him, kicked his arm, his side - his head. He slumped to the ground.

I stumbled back, colliding with the wall opposite. Shit, what had I done?

There was no-one around. All that commotion and nobody had heard a thing.

He wasn't breathing.

My hand shook as I dialled in the number. It rang, and rang, and rang. He picked up. "Charlie?" I must have woken Lestrade up, but an apology would have to wait.

"Greg? Greg, I-"

"Charlie, what's wrong?"

"I think… I think I… Just get here quickly, please."

"Okay, okay - where are you?"

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Fifteen minutes later Greg Lestrade helped me to my feet. I was shaking, staring at that man. _He wasn't breathing. I'd killed him instantly. But it was self defence. It was self defence. _I stared over Lestrade's shoulder, trembling. "Charlie, Charlie look at me" I turned my head to look up at the DI, "It wasn't your fault"

"I killed him" I muttered.

"It was self defence, they can't even prosecute - we've got CCTV, it's going to be okay, Charlie"

"I want to leave now" I muttered

"You can come home with me, you're in shock, I can't let you go home alone" he put his arm around my shoulder and started to lead me away from the scene.

I nodded. "I need a change of clothes, and my glasses"

He smiled kindly "We'll stop in on the way back."

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Back at Greg's house, I sat on the sofa silently. He was away looking for large plasters for my knees. I'd cleaned away the blood and dirt myself. Greg had ran into 221B and grabbed everything I needed.

He came back and knelt in front of me, "Here we go" my knees stung from antiseptic cream but I knew there was no point in letting them get infected. Lestrade stood up and sat beside me, "I've left you're clothes upstairs if you want to get changed now. I'll make tea for you coming back down." He smiled - he was smiling a lot, trying to cheer me up some how.

I nodded, "Thanks"

"Don't worry about it, Charlie. What do you take again?"

"Just milk"

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I'd taken my contacts out and pushed my glasses onto my face. I changed quite quickly, almost in a daze. I'd been traumatised when I'd shot my step-father, freaked out for weeks - and _that_ was premeditated murder. But now I was calm. I'd panicked initially but now it was as if there was nothing, no fear, no anger, no pain. Well, some pain. I couldn't help wonder about Sebastian, where he'd been for weeks. It could have been anything, but I just knew that it had been wrong. We'd been meeting for months but I barely knew him. Did he feel the same? Or maybe he had realised that there was too much bullshit in my life for him to bother himself with, I could understand _that_.

I took a breath to steady myself before going back down stairs. I opened the living room door to see Greg waiting for me with a mug of tea. I tried to give him a smile but I knew it more than likely looked like a grimace.

"Here you go" he said as I sat beside him. He handed me my tea and I curled up in the corner of the sofa. "Charlie, what happened?"

"He attacked me" frowning, I answered in confusion, I'd told him everything already.

"No, Charlie, what happened to _you_? Why were you in a _pub_ in the first place?"

"I was trying to keep my mind of things" I muttered, not wanting to give away my secret meet ups.

"Charlie…" He hesitated, "you… When did you start… _cutting_ again?"

I stared at the carpet, "A few months ago" I told him quietly.

"Why?"

I swallowed painfully, a lump in my throat, "J-John moved out"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Didn't want you to worry"

"Does anyone else know?"

I thought of Sebastian, "No"

He sighed, "Oh Charlie" I stared at the floor, "I worry about you anyway" I glanced up, "I worry like you're my own daughter - when you're quiet, when you don't smile, Charlie, you can't _stop me_ wanting to look after _you_." Putting down my tea, I furiously wiped away the tears that were rolling down my face. "It's alright, Charlie, come here" he hugged me and I curled up against him.

I vowed not to wait for Sebastian any more that night, not after that, it wasn't going to be worth it. It wasn't long after that that Mycroft had me under house arrest anyway.


	2. index

This story is one of a series. In chronological order they are:

\- Meeting Sherlock Holmes

\- Back to Work

\- Save Me from my Nightmares

\- New Year

\- Study In Pink

\- Lazy Morning

\- Tragedy Shaped Her

\- An Average Day in 221B

\- Christmas Isn't What It Used To Be

\- Killing Yourself Slowly And Calling It Coping

\- Left Broken by his Fall

\- Reunited

I'll update this as more are published :)


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